Reflections

Today on my way to work, miserable as always, there was yet another accident on the road. Living in Kuwait, you get accustomed to seeing such things. However this morning I got to see the ambulance load someone in and leave the scene. It shouldn’t be a particularly troubling view, but one that really hit me hard, particularly once I was in the parking lot downstairs from the office. I almost had a panic attack. It brought back a flood of vivid memories of all those times I rode in an ambulance with my grandma before she passed away. It was always upsetting, and I never really told anyone about how I felt. I would sit there, staring at my grandma, worried about her and trying to comfort her while the ambulance sped through the streets of Cairo. I did this about three times. One day however, I didn’t. I was still in the back of the ambulance, only this time I was sat in the corner looking at the floor. I’d lost hope. This time it was different, and I knew that. I felt helpless. It was the last time I had to ride in an ambulance with her. My grandma passed away in hospital in the middle of the night.

The burial was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I carried her, along with three of my uncles into the grave. I stood there all day trying really hard not to cry so I didn’t upset my mother any more than she was already devastated. Once we got home, everyone was in the living room eating, hungry after a very long day on an empty stomach. I was in my room, alone and silent. I was there all through the night, awake, angry and confused.

I try really hard not to let my grandmother’s passing affect me, but even after so long, I still haven’t gotten over losing her. She was there for me when no one else was. Clichéd, but absolutely literal in my case. It reminded me of my own mortality, and my mother’s, my sister’s, my friends’. I realize now that no one lives forever, and that one day I’m going to lose everyone around me. Eventually, even I will go into the ground. It’s not something I think I will ever be okay with, but upon reflecting I realize it’s something I’ve accepted must be.

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Angels & Airwaves’ The Dream Walker

The Dream Walker is out on 9th December 2014.

Finally! One day to go to the release of the long-anticipated album The Dream Walker by Angels & Airwaves. I already preordered it online through mrbabu.com. Of course, I say “long-anticipated”, but really I’m the one anticipating it. Angels & Airwaves are a brilliant band but unfortunately they haven’t really been in the spotlight, and so most people won’t know them. Mostly it’s just Blink-182 fans that’ll have any idea who they are.

Currently it’s just Tom Delonge (Blink-182) and Ilan Rubin (Nine Inch Nails, Paramore, Lostprophets). Angels & Airwaves has always been a super-group of different artists from different bands, but eventually it’s come down to just them. Although I miss some of the old members, I can’t help but feel like this change is what gave them this new slightly electronic sound. It sounds GREAT!

Bullets in the Wind sounds awesome. Its incredibly catchy tune makes it mainstream radio worthy in my opinion. And Tunnels, oh what can I say about Tunnels? I can tell you it’s the best Tom Delonge has sounded in a long time. When the pre-chorus builds up to the epicness that is the chorus, it sends chills down my spine. Paralyzed and The Wolfpack have also been released and they’re great but if I’m honest, they’re not my favourite off the album.

Can’t wait for the album!

Free Insurgency Steam keys

“Take to the streets for intense close quarters combat, where a team’s survival depends upon securing crucial strongholds and destroying enemy supply in this multiplayer and cooperative Source Engine based experience.”

So I have some copies of Insurgency to give away for free on Steam. Simply follow the link below if you’re interested. Get them before they run out!

Click here to claim your free copy of Insurgency

Edit: Yea, they’re all gone. Maybe next time if you missed it.

A bit of a rebranding.

I don’t know about you, Reader, but I think it’s high time we took this forgotten blog to a new level. The first thing I feel I should do is inform you that I’ve changed things around a bit. The blog has a new look with a new logo, and the “About Me” section of the page has changed.

Here’s what it says now:

This site is mainly the ramblings of a mad man living in Kuwait. I say mad man, but really it’s more like mad child. Although I was twenty when I started this blog, I’m currently twenty-four and have yet to feel truly like a man. I still play games, make dirty jokes and enjoy punk rock music more than the average American teenager. You see then why I cannot in all honesty refer to myself as a “man”. What I am however is someone with good taste in food, music and art, who enjoys the odd adventure. I guess that’s expected of me as a child of the 90s.

I hope you do enjoy your stay here, not that I think you should stay here. Don’t you have anything better to do?

Letter to Love

It’s been very long since we talked. You may be angry at me for leaving without saying goodbye. Clichéd as it may be, the reason I didn’t say goodbye was because it honestly hurt me to say goodbye to you not knowing when I’d be back, or indeed if ever I’d be back. I had to leave to make a name for myself. I’ve always loved you, but in the presence of your phenomenal intelligence I’ve always felt somewhat dimwitted. I so desperately wanted your attention and your approval but being the unemployed parasite that I were was no way of achieving those things. I constantly had this dream that we were married, with children and led ‘happily-ever-after’ type lives. I wanted to prove that I was capable of being something other than this lonely gamer who sponged off his family’s fortune for a living. I wanted to prove that, in said dream, I would be able to provide for my loving wife and kids.

The irony of it all I guess is that I left the country that has wronged me in so many ways in the past to search for a brighter future, only to find myself in a dull and tedious environment with the most unimaginative job I could possibly acquire. “The pay is really good,” I find myself repeatedly telling myself. My life choices in their entirety are constantly being questioned in my mind. Am I doomed to be alone like my father? Is the work stress and the constant reminder of you going to kill me at a young age? Will I even wake up tomorrow? All I think of is what might have been. It is becoming more apparent to me that you are the girl who got away: my destiny; my one and only. Oh, how I wish our paths would cross again. Because love, without you there is no tomorrow.

Our love was always doomed from the start. The timing of everything from your heartbreaks to my heartbreaks could not have been worse. I guess you shall forever remain embedded in my mind as a distant memory and unfortunately nothing more. I imagine you’ve already moved on and forgotten all about me. I imagine it’s probably for the best.

Don’t worry, I’m not depressed

Depression is such an ugly word. Just because I decide I’d rather be alone at home than hang out with friends doesn’t mean I’m depressed. When I start to hate meeting new people it’s not because I’m becoming anti-social, it’s because I’m anti-people. I don’t just hate new people, I hate all people equally; there’s nothing wrong with that. 

 
When someone asks me over to their place and I reject, it’s not because I’m scared of having a good time, maybe it’s because I’d rather not go through the usual bullshit of pretending I’m interested about what they have to say. Everybody talks shit regardless of who they are; just different levels of it. Maybe I’d rather just stay at home. Maybe I like the feeling of listening to the blues on the floor of my dark bedroom. Maybe I prefer the comfort of playing an online game where no one knows who I am. 
 
What’s the blackness around my eyes? I’ve recently decided I don’t like sleeping. Ever. What’s wrong with my hair and beard growing long? Maybe I haven’t seen the point in shaving lately. Get over it, it’s not like it looks ugly. Or maybe it does, I still don’t give a shit.
 
So what if I feel like I’m not entitled to have any fun? I do what I want: it’s one of the many perks of not having to leave my room. The aimlessness of life. Some seek it; some go crazy thinking about it. I’ve been driving down this long circular road for so long that I’ve run out of petrol. I need to park for a little bit. Fact is if I’ve got nothing important to do, then there’s nothing worth doing.
 
You might say that denial is also an ugly word. I’d just tell you to go fuck yourself.

Settling down in our twenties

Why do we do what we do? Why do we put up with the craziness around being in our mid twenties, going out and forcing ourselves to try and have fun? Does it really matter? Why does a part of us always yearn for something greater? Why do we always feel like we needed something that we sacrificed in the past? We don’t even know what that something is.

 
I am a twenty-two year old guy who’s unemployed. No, it’s not the market that’s bad. I’ve always had a rough idea of what I wanted to do with my life and now that I’m growing older, I’m starting to realize that sometimes our dreams just don’t come true. Everyone around me is willing to settle down, get a dead-end job that they’re never going to like, that pays just enough to barely get by while still living with their parents, enough to keep them sane until they are married off at twenty-three so that they then become someone else’s problem. 
 
My mistake on the other hand is that I still keep trying to hold on to my dreams. I know they’re not realistic, but I still hold off at the off-chance that one day I may be discovered for my creative innovative talent and be asked to become the CEO of a major tech giant. Yeah, I told you it wasn’t very realistic. Still though, why do people settle down knowing fully that they’re not going to be happy? Just imagine what kind of amazing things people could have done if they were just a little more patient, held off for a bit and actually tried to do what they felt they were meant to do with their lives. Why can’t we travel? Nobody ever wants to work where they grew up. Everyone wants to live the dream of moving out and trying to make it on their own. Everybody fails. Well, not everybody. But many. Even just at the traveling part.
 
I’ve actually done a few interviews and got offered a couple of jobs, but I’ve always turned them down because I always felt like I could do better. Is it crazy to want to achieve something greater than minimum wage? Is it bad that I’m stuck up enough to think that this job is not good enough for me? Time and time again I wonder about the girl who got away. She’s working now. I make sure not to get back in touch with her, not because I’m desperate, lonely and frankly a bit out of it, but because I remember that she was just as judgmental as me, which funnily enough was one of the many things I loved about her. I know she would instantly look down on me for being unemployed. I made the mistake of texting the word “hi” to her recently, to which she actually replied. I quickly switched off my phone and promised myself that I wouldn’t continue that conversation, no matter how desperately I wanted to find out where it had gone.
 
So here I am, doing what I do best: procrastinating. Pretending I have many important things going on in my life when really all i have going for me is my World of Warcraft account and this blog, both of which I do pretty badly. My constant shuffling around of plans to try and organize myself enough to immigrate to another country is bound to end some day, and I will inevetibly end up “settling down” like everyone else around me.