I’m rambling again

So I’m here to talk about something a little different. I haven’t been posting anything in a while, mostly due to the fact that I’ve been sort of out of my mind. In short, I’ve been thinking too much. Waaay too much. This idea of friendship, it’s quite important to all of us. In all honesty, I’ve taken many things for granted, including friendship. Growing up I used to have the best friends ever, but towards the end of high school, things got a bit rough and we didn’t exactly end on a good note. Here I am, four years later still incapable of really getting too close to anyone. I’ve made a lot more friends, but also lost several of them. I would always blame it on them, but let’s face the facts here, I’m not exactly innocent either. I trust the wrong people. There have been people I trusted way too much, which unfortunately ended in disappointment, and there are those that I cannot find it in my capacity to trust them. It’s no secret, I definitely have trust issues, but still, lifes too short. Lately, I’ve had no idea who to trust. I’ve been very close to a couple friends since I got to Egypt, and i would trust my life to these guys; but there were times when i was in doubt. Obviously, our friendship hasn’t been all smooth sailing, but why can’t I trust anybody? Why can’t I just realize that they’re looking out for me? I’ve always been some sort of a black sheep, but it occured to me that I can’t even get along with the other black sheep. But does that mean I am forever cursed to be alone? I sure hope not. If anything, I would say it’s the search for recognition and appreciation among my friends and loved ones that caused these trust issues to surface in the first place. Is it too late? Of course not! But what’s the point? I’m graduating this year, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see these friends again. Some of them have made it pretty clear that we probably wont be running into each other in the future. At times, it really feels like it really doesn’t matter.

But again, let’s take a moment to be really honest here. Over the past five or six years or so, I’ve lost many friends. Some admittedly due to my own stupidity, some due to their unfortunate and untimely passing away, and some I really to this day don’t understand why. It hurts. It really does. And it’s that pain that makes me want to keep everyone at a distance. I’m not perfect, nobody is, but why does it happen? Why do I allow it to happen? A social life is always a complicated one. What should I do to fix this? Well, it’s just who I am. I can’t do much to change that. But I will keep trying to make amends before it’s too late. I’ve risked everything for my friends before, even if they don’t know it. Can I trust them to do the same for me? Well in all honesty we may never find out. I would like to think that they would. Until then, I damn straight will be there for them.

On a related note, I’d like to mention that a dear friend of mine would have had his birthday a few days ago, but unfortunately he could not be with us. Happy birthday Shamil. I miss you bro. May you rest in peace.  

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