Today on my way to work, miserable as always, there was yet another accident on the road. Living in Kuwait, you get accustomed to seeing such things. However this morning I got to see the ambulance load someone in and leave the scene. It shouldn’t be a particularly troubling view, but one that really hit me hard, particularly once I was in the parking lot downstairs from the office. I almost had a panic attack. It brought back a flood of vivid memories of all those times I rode in an ambulance with my grandma before she passed away. It was always upsetting, and I never really told anyone about how I felt. I would sit there, staring at my grandma, worried about her and trying to comfort her while the ambulance sped through the streets of Cairo. I did this about three times. One day however, I didn’t. I was still in the back of the ambulance, only this time I was sat in the corner looking at the floor. I’d lost hope. This time it was different, and I knew that. I felt helpless. It was the last time I had to ride in an ambulance with her. My grandma passed away in hospital in the middle of the night.

The burial was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I carried her, along with three of my uncles into the grave. I stood there all day trying really hard not to cry so I didn’t upset my mother any more than she was already devastated. Once we got home, everyone was in the living room eating, hungry after a very long day on an empty stomach. I was in my room, alone and silent. I was there all through the night, awake, angry and confused.

I try really hard not to let my grandmother’s passing affect me, but even after so long, I still haven’t gotten over losing her. She was there for me when no one else was. Clich├ęd, but absolutely literal in my case. It reminded me of my own mortality, and my mother’s, my sister’s, my friends’. I realize now that no one lives forever, and that one day I’m going to lose everyone around me. Eventually, even I will go into the ground. It’s not something I think I will ever be okay with, but upon reflecting I realize it’s something I’ve accepted must be.