Reflections

Today on my way to work, miserable as always, there was yet another accident on the road. Living in Kuwait, you get accustomed to seeing such things. However this morning I got to see the ambulance load someone in and leave the scene. It shouldn’t be a particularly troubling view, but one that really hit me hard, particularly once I was in the parking lot downstairs from the office. I almost had a panic attack. It brought back a flood of vivid memories of all those times I rode in an ambulance with my grandma before she passed away. It was always upsetting, and I never really told anyone about how I felt. I would sit there, staring at my grandma, worried about her and trying to comfort her while the ambulance sped through the streets of Cairo. I did this about three times. One day however, I didn’t. I was still in the back of the ambulance, only this time I was sat in the corner looking at the floor. I’d lost hope. This time it was different, and I knew that. I felt helpless. It was the last time I had to ride in an ambulance with her. My grandma passed away in hospital in the middle of the night.

The burial was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I carried her, along with three of my uncles into the grave. I stood there all day trying really hard not to cry so I didn’t upset my mother any more than she was already devastated. Once we got home, everyone was in the living room eating, hungry after a very long day on an empty stomach. I was in my room, alone and silent. I was there all through the night, awake, angry and confused.

I try really hard not to let my grandmother’s passing affect me, but even after so long, I still haven’t gotten over losing her. She was there for me when no one else was. Clich├ęd, but absolutely literal in my case. It reminded me of my own mortality, and my mother’s, my sister’s, my friends’. I realize now that no one lives forever, and that one day I’m going to lose everyone around me. Eventually, even I will go into the ground. It’s not something I think I will ever be okay with, but upon reflecting I realize it’s something I’ve accepted must be.

Advertisements