Reflections

Today on my way to work, miserable as always, there was yet another accident on the road. Living in Kuwait, you get accustomed to seeing such things. However this morning I got to see the ambulance load someone in and leave the scene. It shouldn’t be a particularly troubling view, but one that really hit me hard, particularly once I was in the parking lot downstairs from the office. I almost had a panic attack. It brought back a flood of vivid memories of all those times I rode in an ambulance with my grandma before she passed away. It was always upsetting, and I never really told anyone about how I felt. I would sit there, staring at my grandma, worried about her and trying to comfort her while the ambulance sped through the streets of Cairo. I did this about three times. One day however, I didn’t. I was still in the back of the ambulance, only this time I was sat in the corner looking at the floor. I’d lost hope. This time it was different, and I knew that. I felt helpless. It was the last time I had to ride in an ambulance with her. My grandma passed away in hospital in the middle of the night.

The burial was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I carried her, along with three of my uncles into the grave. I stood there all day trying really hard not to cry so I didn’t upset my mother any more than she was already devastated. Once we got home, everyone was in the living room eating, hungry after a very long day on an empty stomach. I was in my room, alone and silent. I was there all through the night, awake, angry and confused.

I try really hard not to let my grandmother’s passing affect me, but even after so long, I still haven’t gotten over losing her. She was there for me when no one else was. Clichéd, but absolutely literal in my case. It reminded me of my own mortality, and my mother’s, my sister’s, my friends’. I realize now that no one lives forever, and that one day I’m going to lose everyone around me. Eventually, even I will go into the ground. It’s not something I think I will ever be okay with, but upon reflecting I realize it’s something I’ve accepted must be.

A bit of a rebranding.

I don’t know about you, Reader, but I think it’s high time we took this forgotten blog to a new level. The first thing I feel I should do is inform you that I’ve changed things around a bit. The blog has a new look with a new logo, and the “About Me” section of the page has changed.

Here’s what it says now:

This site is mainly the ramblings of a mad man living in Kuwait. I say mad man, but really it’s more like mad child. Although I was twenty when I started this blog, I’m currently twenty-four and have yet to feel truly like a man. I still play games, make dirty jokes and enjoy punk rock music more than the average American teenager. You see then why I cannot in all honesty refer to myself as a “man”. What I am however is someone with good taste in food, music and art, who enjoys the odd adventure. I guess that’s expected of me as a child of the 90s.

I hope you do enjoy your stay here, not that I think you should stay here. Don’t you have anything better to do?

Letter to Love

It’s been very long since we talked. You may be angry at me for leaving without saying goodbye. Clichéd as it may be, the reason I didn’t say goodbye was because it honestly hurt me to say goodbye to you not knowing when I’d be back, or indeed if ever I’d be back. I had to leave to make a name for myself. I’ve always loved you, but in the presence of your phenomenal intelligence I’ve always felt somewhat dimwitted. I so desperately wanted your attention and your approval but being the unemployed parasite that I were was no way of achieving those things. I constantly had this dream that we were married, with children and led ‘happily-ever-after’ type lives. I wanted to prove that I was capable of being something other than this lonely gamer who sponged off his family’s fortune for a living. I wanted to prove that, in said dream, I would be able to provide for my loving wife and kids.

The irony of it all I guess is that I left the country that has wronged me in so many ways in the past to search for a brighter future, only to find myself in a dull and tedious environment with the most unimaginative job I could possibly acquire. “The pay is really good,” I find myself repeatedly telling myself. My life choices in their entirety are constantly being questioned in my mind. Am I doomed to be alone like my father? Is the work stress and the constant reminder of you going to kill me at a young age? Will I even wake up tomorrow? All I think of is what might have been. It is becoming more apparent to me that you are the girl who got away: my destiny; my one and only. Oh, how I wish our paths would cross again. Because love, without you there is no tomorrow.

Our love was always doomed from the start. The timing of everything from your heartbreaks to my heartbreaks could not have been worse. I guess you shall forever remain embedded in my mind as a distant memory and unfortunately nothing more. I imagine you’ve already moved on and forgotten all about me. I imagine it’s probably for the best.